This was not a pleasant round of IVIG. First a friend who was supposed to help me, bailed at the last second for personal reasons. Another friend stepped in for the first day, and the second, but then I was on my own. I went home, and my roommate thankfully helped by taking care of the dogs, because my body just shut off. For whatever reason, I was still struggling to regulate my temperature the first couple of days after IVIG. I was hanging out around 95 degrees, but I felt like I was burning up.
Then gastroparesis decided it should fuck with me.
I ate a potato, a very safe food, and several hours later the vomiting began. To be honest, I couldn’t sort out what I was throwing up aside from the potato, but it felt like things from days before. There was no desire to visualize, at this point it’s just throw up and flush. My bedroom light filtered in through to the bathroom, and I sat, in the dimly lit room, and just cried.
This was shortly after taking my night meds, and what had set me off was simply drinking too much water. I was thirsty, and I had to take my pills. It was so simple. I spent the entire night sleeping on the bathroom floor, too nauseas to move. The irony was that I’d thrown up my zofran, and I was far too nauseas to attempt to keep any more down. I smoked, but I received a bad batch of medical marijuana this time. It really doesn’t work for my nausea. (Probably because it’s mostly stems and leaves.)
All of this has brought me to a really difficult point in my thought process. I’m depressed, but it’s so much more than depression. There is this sense of denial that I’m struggling with. I spend so much time pushing other people to accept that my situation is not temporary, and that certain aspects will continue forever, but I can’t accept that myself. We’ll be retesting, but as far as I now, I have mild to moderate gastroparesis, moderate to severe gastritis, and general inflammation of the entire GI tract. There are things we can do for the inflammation and even gastritis, starting with the IVIG. (Well technically we started with GI medications to reduce acid, but I’m talking hitting the source not the symptoms.)
What about the gastroparesis?
It is what it is. I don’t want to live life with a needle in my chest, avoiding water, and being generally stressed by the pain and discomfort. I also don’t want to miss out on life all together, because I’m at home weak, or vomiting. Take today. I’m far less nauseated, but the simple act of taking the dogs out, has me back in bed thinking about taking a nap. The headache that’s finally abating from IVIG, is being replaced by one caused by my low blood sugar. Thankfully Gatorade is coming through for me, with slow sips, although why change up your orange flavor?
Seriously Gatorade…I expected orange and I get tropical mango? Not cool.
And maybe all of this is a moot point. Maybe it doesn’t matter whether or not I’m nauseated, whether or not I have a needle in my chest, and fluids strapped to my back. Maybe it’s all just a giant mess of people doing whatever they can to get through the day, and the next, and the next.
What I do know is that I have a headache, I’m not hungry, and I should find something edible that won’t have me vomiting again. I also only have $12 until Monday, and no food. Being poor while having expensive conditions is definitely a double whammy. Of course I wouldn’t be this poor if I didn’t have these conditions.