I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety lately. It sneaks up on me, and is triggered by the most random things. I know a huge part of it is my fear that I’m unloveable. My whole life has been spent caring for others, family, my ex-husband when we were married, and friends, they all came first. Now that I’m single, I’m forced to face myself, and it’s uncomfortable.
My low self-esteem comes from my ex-husband, and his abusive ways, but there is more to it than that. I see my body, and I see where I’ve been marred. Some stretch marks, marks sexual partners don’t notice, but that I do. Marks from steroid induced weight fluctuation. Ulcerations that are healing, but still evident. I have muscle loss from the inability to eat enough lately, and today I spent a while playing with the small amount of extra skin on my breasts. They’re not saggy, they’re still big and full, but I find myself fixated on the parts that have changed that I hate.
I don’t hate myself, I hate Behcet’s, and while I am not my disease, I do have it. It’s this vicious circle of wondering about who I am, and who I can actually be. Then something negative happens, and I think about what I want to do, but instead, I’m sucked into a world of negative self introspection.
“Who is going to love someone as sick as you?”
Those were my ex-husband’s parting words to me. They hurt because I’d already wondered the same thing about myself. Who could love someone like me? Could I love myself?
Loving myself is a work in progress. Physically I don’t love how I look. Emotionally I know I’m a giving person. I’m kind and caring, and my friends are lucky to have me in their lives. I just wonder if that offsets Behcet’s.
My rheumatologist and primary care doctor are now working together to rework my medications. I’m most likely going to start taking my Humira weekly. I’ve already been switched from one antacid to another, because they strongly suspect I have C.diff colitis. Other medications will also be adjusted accordingly. Nobody seems to be big on medical marijuana, but I need to keep it as an option.
Life has been throwing curve balls at me at breakneck speed, and they’ve all hit me…hard. Whatever happens, I’m determined to land on my feet, I just worry that in the end I’ll be alone. I think that’s my ultimate fear. So much of my life has been focused on helping and supporting others, I didn’t realize how much I craved the companionship of another person. I will always help the people around me, it’s who I am, I just worry that I’ll end up helpful but alone.
Today wasn’t a great day. My stomach is a mess, not from anxiety but from the inflammation and infection, and I may have lost my work from home job which is unfortunate. I can start my other job soon, and I have an interview in the morning for a clerical position, it’s just concerning. Working from home has afforded me flexibility when I’m sick, I know losing that job will mean losing that flexibility.